The other side of motherhood.

I feel like people don’t talk about the dark side of parenting. They talk about the good stuff. First smile, first laugh, first steps, first word. They talk about the immense love they felt when their child was placed into their arms. Sure, they may loathe the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the constant nagging, but overall, I feel like most people say the good outweighs the bad.

But what about those of us who are on the other side of motherhood? The “I hate everything about this” side. The “I wanted this so bad, but as it turns out, I don’t like it very much at all” side. The side where the good doesn’t outweigh the bad. What do you do then? If you know, I’d like to know the secret.

Because that’s where I am. That’s where I’ve been for quite a while. Whether you want to call it mommy blues or postpartum depression, it’s where I’ve lived for a while. But you see, it’s not just a room I’m renting, but a house I own. I’m not simply living out of a suitcase. I’ve unpacked. There are used plates on the kitchen counter, laundry littered across the bedroom floor, and empty pizza boxes in the trash.

I have a 2 and a half year old, and I’ve been in this place for quite some time. Honestly, the fact that it took me this long to start writing about how I’ve been feeling surprises me. Most people who know me know that I gravitate toward writing like oxygen, but over the last few years, my career and motherhood have taken priority. For good reason. However, I also feel like I’ve neglected a form of self care I used to use on a regular basis. Writing is very cathartic for me. It’s always been that way. It’s always be where I turn when I can’t make sense of my thoughts and feelings.

So here I am. In the trenches. Wading through the shit. And trying like hell to figure out how to keep my head above water. Not so I can bitch and moan. But simply to say, “This is my truth.”

What I know is I’m in a really hard place in my life right now, but I want to feel better. I want the people I love to know the me I used to be….not the depressed shell of myself I’ve been over the last few years. I want to be better, for myself but also for my son. He deserves so much more than what I’ve been able to give him over the last 2 and a half years.

I imagine many, many other parents have been in this place. And maybe that’s why I’m writing this. To find connection. To build community. To try and feel a little less alone.